This is actually two stories. They have been in my mind to write, but with all the drama that my half sister stirred up with adult protective services, and calling my sister Kims pastor at the church, 4 times mind you, to have him go check on my dad because she thinks that I beat on him. Well, not true, none of it. Then she writes a really weird letter to Kim, and it was horribly offensive. She wanted to throw it out. I’m keeping it for evidence of a strained mind, but enough about that, on with the stories.
#1, the pedicure.
I’ve never had one, most guys don’t get them, it’s ok if they do, just not high on our priority list.
My friend Sharlene had that small tornado wreck her barn a bit, and with Kim and my youngest son Connor available to watch dad, I was more than able to help her any way possible. I don’t know a whole lot about building stuff, or making things that are broke, work again. I’m more apt to break something than to fix it, but muscle I have, and even though I hadn’t been very physical in the last 2 1/2 years, I wanted to help my friend, because she’s done so much for us over the last couple of years.
So, there I was, willing muscle, and happy to help her any way that I could. All the time spent together, working, and seeing how resourceful she was, the amount of tools she had, the different things she has learned over the years, she was very interesting to me, so spending alot of time with her wasn’t work, it was fun. There are more than one occasion that she has made me laugh so hard I thought I was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. If you know me at all, I’m usually the funniest person in the room, usually. I find it very hard to watch new comedians do their bits, because I don’t just laugh to laugh, you have to be funny, well, she is funny.
Anyway, one day after a long day doing whatever chores she needed done, we were sitting on her front porch, letting the breeze cool us off a bit, and refreshing beverages slake our thirsts. You go ahead and pick which kind is your favorite, I won’t judge you.
She said that she would like to thank me for being so helpful through this troubling time for her. I was like, aww shucks, it weren’t nuthin’. She was like no, really, I’d like to treat you to a pedicure.
Now, when I say, my mind halted, and went totally blank for a few seconds, it’s not because I think getting a pedicure is bad, or weird, by any means, a Mani pedi, maybe, but just plain pedicure, not really a problem.
See, the problem I had with the whole idea of this was, ever since Bootcamp, my feet have never been the same. Sometimes it’s all I can do to touch my own feet, and I know when to stop, because I can feel it.
So in about five seconds from the time she made her statement, until my brain unfroze again, I immediately said no, and not in a nice way. I could see she seemed a bit hurt by the way I answered her, so I went a little further, and explained about my feet, and that during the last part of winter in 2011, and just before spring 2012, my feet got to where they seemed like they were always cold. I like to sleep with my feet uncovered anyway, and pull them under the blankets when they get too cold, but nothing I did could get them to warm up. I’ve recently signed up with the V. A. and saw the doctor on Friday, he said I was more than likely a diabetic, who of us aren’t anymore? Anyhow, I told him about my feet, and that it seems like I always feel as if I’m wearing a pair of socks, and pain, my goodness the pain.
So, back to the relevant story. I told her all this, and she was like really, is that all? Well no, I said, I have the ugliest feet in the Universe, and she said no you don’t. So a day or two went by, I thought about the gift she was trying to give me, and told her after careful consideration, that I would accept her gift.
So, we had gone to run a few errands for her, and on the way back to her house, we stopped at the Nail Salon, that’s what they are called, Nail Salon.
I was a bit nervous, it was my first time ya know. Byron Hayes might even say Inaugural visit, to the Nail Salon. everything was going fine, up until the young lady that had the pleasure of trying to smooth out the rough patches on the bottoms of my feet, had to grab real hard at the bottom of my foot, close to the pinky toe, and where I have a corn of sorts, well, I’m trying to be cool about the whole thing. The actual torture that was happening on the bottom of my foot, was nothing, compared to the older gentleman, who was with his wife, giving me crap for squirming, and grabbing the back of my chair, as if maybe something was tickling me to the point of tears, yet it was pain that I was experiencing, and him telling me to man up. Now, even though I’m a big fella, I’m fairly easy going, but with all the training that I had received whilst in the Corps, all the scenarios that kept running through my brain, and what is like to do to this guy, well, it took my mind off of the foot torture. Sharlene was kind enough to mention my affiliation with Uncle Sams Misguided Children, so I didn’t have to. By the time the whole thing was over, we were all talking nice talk back and forth, just two men, and two women getting their toes done. It wasn’t that bad, overall, but I think that little woman bruised my corn area, just saying, that’s the end of that one!
#2, the armadillo.
Like I said, I have been spending alot of time over at Sharlenes house, she like to go, travel a bit, see her relatives, or take jaunt here in Texas with her close friends. So I asked if I could.learn how to take care of her Mules, and dogs, so that if she wanted to go out of town, I could help her out. It didn’t take too long, before I had a reasonable grasp of the situation, and it wasn’t too long before she did have a long day trip planned, she was going to leave really early in the morning, and be gone most, if not all day. So I told her I’d take care of her animals that day, and she said I could stay the night, she has a spare bedroom, she would be leaving before sunup, and I wouldn’t need to feed the first time for at least three hours. So I spent the night, she took her day trip, and everything went smoothly, as was predicted. Since that time there have been several such occasions. Every time since the first overnight, she has explained to me that she has this hate, hate relationship with the local armadillo population. It seems that a while back, Great Great Great, Grampa armadillo found the best grubs in her flower beds, and consequently, her yard, and has passed out her address and map of her location, that he probably had made at the nearest Kinko’s. So, she informed me that she will, a couple of times a night, go outside with her very powerful spotlight, and look for the dreaded vermin, and try to dispatch them with her handgun. So if I hear gunfire, not to be alarmed, it was just her passing out old West Justice, the family Armadillo!
This was all well and good. Until I spoke up one day and said that if in fact, she spies one of those critters, she should come get me. After all, I am a three time rifle expert, and qualified expert on the .45 when I became a Corporal, so yeah, if those little buggers show up, come get me, and I’ll eradicate them with extreme prejudice!
Time after Time, all’s quiet on the Eastern front.
Until that one morning, I had just rolled over, and had checked the time, still had four hours before the sun comes up, so I closed my eyes, and was drifting back to sleep, when I hear Sharlene come in and call out my name. I looked up, and was like, what? She said there was and armadillo in the front yard, so put on my slippers, and out the door we went. She shined the spot on him, and there he was, seemingly unaffected by the light, just cruising the yard, looking for a good place to start digging. We started walking bout to the far end of the front yard, mind you, this is out in the country, and there are neighbors around, but not close enough to worry about stray rounds or anything like that. We got about thirty, or forty feet away, when it looked as if he was about to bolt out of the yard, and run across the road, so I took aim, lined up the sights, and squeezed the trigger. BLAM! Nothing. Not just nothing, but that armadillo just sat there, sniffing around like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to start digging on the left side, or the right. Now, I know, I know how to shoot. I also know that I’m not familiar with this particular weapon, but the basic principles are the same, line up your target in the sights, squeeze the trigger, and paste your target, simple. But this thing didn’t even acknowledge my presence, let alone that I popped a cap at his ass, and he just sat there. So I give him another try, missed again, but this time I got his attention. Sharlene has the light on him, and to her credit, she never lost him, even when he bolted, but instead of across the street, he came toward me. Now I start thinking about how much of an animal lover Sharlene is, and how I wouldn’t want to traumatize her by shooting this thing in the face, later she would ask me why I didn’t shoot him in his pointy little face!? So as he ran towards me, I hesitated, and did not fire until he was to the right of me, I’d say less than ten feet, I shot at him three times, and each time, I could see the rounds hit the ground just above him, on the other side of him. Miss, miss……..missmissmiss, then he turned to his left, heading straight South, and in a hurry like, missmiss, he turns East, miss! Gone! Gone, and I had the perfect opportunity to kill a pest. I’m no killer, might as well have been throwing those great big marshmallows at the guy. Stupid armadillo. Until I finally get him, I’m gonna have to put away my man card, temporarily, just until I can get a least one armadillo, oh, and this time, I’m going to use a shotgun, better for moving targets!
That is the end of the second story!
I’m sorry I haven’t been around for you guys as much, but, life is out there, and when you go outside, you can get your hands on it, rub it up and down, and enjoy that stuff, just like I have been. Be well!